Somebody Please Columbine The Entire Drunken Canal Editorial Staff

Biden-era White Kidz Attempt Offline Coup.

R.I.P. DJ Kirsten Angel Dust, Ciara Horan and Mitchell Heisman, foreal.

Somebody please Columbine the entire editorial staff of The Drunken Canal and the NYT as well as the retarded dead white Biden era ubilapse they rode in on.

First of all, Dasha will never ‘become the new and better Chloë Sevigny’ (The Drunken Canal via NTY), not least because she already was, but also because the blow job scene at the end of Brown Bunny pre-emptively disallowed any career arc for that character type to return.

Daisy was Dasha in 2003, so there is no need of this in 2021. Besides, Dasha can’t act, and Daisy could, and Dasha is probably bad in bed, and Daisy has proof on screen that she isn’t, and Dasha doesn’t need to be a movie star to be a movie star; the fact that she fails to understand that doesn’t change who Dasha is.

The blow job scene in Brown Bunny is beautiful and absolute. It belongs to an age where things really could exist offline, like afterlife blowjobs and mercy blowjobs and forgiveness blowjobs and Proust’s insistence that one may caress the sex act itself.

To pretend the internet can now not exist is to pretend a lot of things, but none of them improve the material conditions of the blowjob as an art. To pretend that Dasha has to become Daisy is like pretending that an angel has to become an angel. It is Dasha after all who tweeted in 2014 an immortal reference to what it means to be ‘like an Angels pussy’. There is nothing she need become, for us.

Second of all, the argument that the ‘offline’ provides some kind of escape ‘because digital spaces are becoming increasingly more policed’, so says Civilisation creator Richard Turley, 44, who is, ugh, ‘the former creative director of Bloomberg Businessweek’, is about as lax as arguments come.

So, you’re telling me that real bodies still exist? Well, gilded children of the metropolis, thanks retards.

That argument is slack-ass not least because nobody not sitting outside Lucien can even get a copy of the new belles-lettres, even Dasha herself. The fetishization of the offline was inevitable, as soon as Trump ‘lost’. The offline, thought about in this way, is Biden-era-senescence. That a small newspaper that nobody reads exists offline in 2021 has nothing at all to do with anything in 2021, except vegetocracy. It doesn’t change anything; it simply reverts.

Third of all, and to iterate, The Drunken Canal is the very definition of let’s-pretend-it-never-happened post-Trump ubilapse. With the vanishing of the BLM kids now that the creator of the carceral state is actually President of the United States, all that remains is rich white kids pretending it’s the last days of disco again.

They wanted a master, and they got one, and it’s half-named after Rimbaud’s Titanic.

Because Trump is gone, so is the resistance. Joshua Citarella doesn’t have to pretend to be doing ‘research’ into r/w memes anymore and Dean Kissick can spend a whole year without promoting any black friends. Where has BLM gone? What happened to it? Was it just a trick of the resistance-era light?

With Trump gone, there is no need to pretend we can save anyone other than Lower Manhattan BTC trust fund elites. Ella Emhoff is allowed to rise to the top. Adam Curtis will get more millions for using the words, ‘benign elite’. Hunter Biden can replace Barron Trump on Honour Levy’s sacrificial altar. The white trash Trump family are safely out of the way, so is Avital Ronell, so is Winslow Laroche, so is Gallo himself no doubt (because he chose the wrong side). As they all say as if together, sucking the ice pick of big city life, let’s shoot Solanas not Warhol this time.

Since our chance has come again, let’s get it right. This time let’s waterboard them all.